Oh god, this movie was fucking nuts. Usually, this could be a good thing. Hell, I love nuts. Nuts is good. Nuts is fun. Nuts is magical. (Yeah, that quote; it’ll totally be taken out of context for years to come.) But in this case, not so much. First of all, it’s a giant ass fuck commercial for non-polluting that, for some reason, features Death Ghidorah and a giant ass fuck moth, but hey, Japan. Secondly – it’s probably got the most gay undertones I’ve seen in a movie ever.

Seriously.

Mothra is gaaaaaayyyy.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but come on man.

So, two Japanese kids’ dad happens to be in the logging business. He’s no lumberjack, but he sure likes cutting the shit out of trees. And he wears snazzy suits. So he unearths some weird rock formation and rips a jewel straight out of it, and gives it to his daughter. The logical progression after this is the two tiny chicks that hang out with Mothra need to put a stop to this. Because, see, it keeps Death Ghidorah trapped.  Death Ghidorah is just King Ghidorah, but black and with four legs. Not creative at all. He killed the dinosaurs, so we know he’s a jerk. Fucker killed all the raptors and, man, that shit just aint kosher.

But that’s not all, folks! No sir, not at all. Also chasing these kids to get the stupid jewel thing to free Ghidorah is some crazy tiny witch who rides a teeny tiny dragon. She straight up goes after these kids because goddamn, she wants Ghidorah to herself. Because, let’s face it, he’s pretty rockin’.

So the Mothra groupie things have Mothra make a tiny little Mothra named Fairy for them to ride on and save the day. They fail, Ghidorah gets free, and starts wrecking shit. Also, Mothra is apparently really old and laid an egg and that may or may not play into the plot.

Protip: If you don’t know what eventually happens oh god, you are the stupidest person ever, and never watch any movies again. Seriously. I will find you and punch you if you ever watch another movie, and you will be very sad and confused. I’m sure you think I am being harsh, but man, you be one stupid motherfucker, motherfucker.

 

 

 

 Now that the plot out of the way, let’s get into what exactly is ridiculous about this movie. Also, we’ll talk about how gay the movie is. Because, man, fucking hippy environmentalism is lame.

And by we, I mean I will say it and you damn well better keep reading. Prick.

So, the movie’s plot is the thinnest thing I’ve ever seen. Like, if it wasn’t for the ridiculous action and terrible dubbing, I would not have been able to make it through it. I was about ready to pass out an hour in, because my brain flipped me off and left to wallow in my stupidity. My brain would kick my ass so hard if it could. There’s literally three plot points. Everything else is just getting to them without anything else going on. Well, there’s the humans, but fuck them. I hate them. They can die in a fire.

The models/costumes were pretty rad, though. Crazy witch bitch’s dragon was pretty rockin’ looking, and Ghidorah, in this incarnation, was actually a lot more menacing than he normally is. In fact, the only thing that looks terrible is Mothra. And when the titular star looks like a flying carpet shaped kind of like a moth, things aren’t exactly reassuring.

The other thing that really bothered me was that Mothra has like a billion different powers in the movie. It honestly looks like Mothra has a fucking deus ex machina gland, because fuck. I mean, when the hell did larvae mothra have a fucking green chest cannon? What the fuck? And that’s just the tip of the fucking iceberg, man.

The whole iceberg being that Mothra is gaaaaay. Half its powers were fucking rainbow themed. There was a random rainbow jet.  The tiny male Mothra ride thing is called Fairy. And, at one point, MOTHRA TURNS INTO A SHOWER OF TINY RAINBOW COLORED MOTHS TO ATTACK GHIDORAH. I mean, come on. Let’s not forget the garish musical numbers from the Mothra groupies, as well as the clothes. Also, since Mothra looks like a giant carpet/parade float, I was expecting it to end with: “We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!” and then a chorus of It’s Raining Men would blare as a parade of leather daddies come strutting out.  Yeah. It was that bad, yet also fabulous at the same time.

And if that hurt, the goddamned environmental theme was just atrocious. After all is said and done, it actually has the YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE ENVIRONMENT speech from douche bag dad that released Ghidorah to begin with. It was just awful.

Honestly, just watch the action scenes and call it a day, and you just might have a somewhat good time. The Fairy/Dragon dogfight in the middle of the kids’ house is seriously one of the craziest things I’ve seen, and it goes on for like 20 minutes. Because it starts off with the tiny witch drinking beer.

 

Rebirth of Mothra II

I have once again plunged into the depths of the Rebirth of Mothra trilogy. And by once again, I mean oh god I have one more movie in this damned trilogy to review. This is not recuperating when sick. This is torture, not SPARTA.

So, this movie is even more ridiculous than the first. The first ten minutes you think oh great there will be these awesome sex jokes, and also there are these evil starfish with the poison and the killing people. But, no such luck. Instead, we follow the story of three fucking snot kids trying to find a treasure because fucking pollution in the ocean has released some sort of monster from an ancient society. That monster’s name is Dagahra.

And after we find out about this monster, we never see the evil starfish attack people again. In fact, they only attack once and, honestly, I could’ve cared less about Mothra if it was all about killer starfish. No such luck. None at all. God hates me.

Now, these kids aren’t alone. The main kid, broad who looks like she’s probably a bitch, finds what looks to be the bastard son of a Snork and a mogwai. His name is Gorgo. Also, the two tiny Mothra broads help out, still riding on Fairy. Fairy is still a terrible name and makes no sense whatsoever.

The thing about this treasure is it can grant any wish you want. I bet you can’t figure out what happens in the end. It’s in a blatant Atlantis rip-off, and boy, crazy hot tiny broad who flies on a dragon wants a piece of this. She makes two fisherman who didn’t really seem evil to begin with hunt down these kids and get to the treasure.

Hijinks ensue, the trend of being horrifically violent to children continues, I fall more in love with dragon broad, and I hate myself about 40 minutes into the film. You know. The usual.

Other things happen, but fuck them. That’s the plot summary, and I am not giving you any more you heathen bastards.

Especially you.

You know who you are.

I hate you.

Okay, this movie isn’t even about Mothra for the most part and that pisses me off to no end because after Rebirth of Mothra, I was kind of rooting for the glorious, gay bastard. It’s almost like they had this stupid Goonies rip-off and decided “HEY, LET’S PUT MONSTERS IN THIS. MAYBE EVEN MOTHRA? I AM A GENIUS. GIVE ME LOTS OF JAPANESE MONIES AND ALSO SOME TENTACLE SEX.”

I am pretty sure all studio executives in Japan talk like that all the time, and I’ll be damned if you try to tell me different.

This movie is exponentially worse than the original, but, you know, sequel. The thing is, they found a way to make the special effects even worse, up until one of the raddest final fights in cinema. The thing is, they tried to put CG into this movie and fuck, when you have a flying carpet monster on a string and still cheap out on every other aspect of the film, it is jarring to say the least.

Now Dagahra is pretty fucking badass looking. But he’s got no arms so he, in practice, is pretty awkward because he’s so bulky. I mean, Ghidorah works because man THREE HEADS AINT GOT TIME FOR NO ARMS. Daghara, not so much. I still like him because he ruins Mothra’s shit in a spectacular fashion. Since he’s a new monster, I have to rate him on a scale of “which Godzilla foe is he better than, which is he worse than?” Now, a lot of people will think I’ll pull the “Megalon was terrible” card here, but shut up. Megalon is awesome because he is batshit loco in his design. Seriously. I love Megalon. Anyway, he is better than Gimantis, but not quite as kooky as King Caesar. Just about there. He’s no Megalon, that’s for sure.

The worst part is the kids. I hate all children. You think your kid is cute? You’re a liar. Your kid is an asshole. I will hit it with a brick and show it who’s boss. That’ll tell ‘em what for. But, I digress. My problem with these kids is they are together for the most asinine reason ever. First fatso and bucktooth want to kick girl who looks like a bitches ass. They see Snorkwai and get attacked by evil dragon broad, and then they are all of a sudden friends. Look, I am all for beating up girls. Everyone should do it at least once. It’s pretty awesome. They’re soft and can cushion a blow real good. What I’m not a fan of is poor reasoning for a character to take action. I mean, that’s just lazy screenwriting there.

Oh, and Mothra taps his deus ex machina gland crazy hard in this one. He, in the course of his movie: parts an entire ocean, makes crazy force fields, and he shape shifts to be more efficient in the water. Motherfucker can do anything in this movie. I hate Mothra as much as the next guy, but if he can create powers out of thin fucking air, I might end up being a fan.

Battra’s still better. I mean, come on. He looks like this:

I mean look at him. You know he means business. He aint taking no shit. He will fuck your day up and not even blink twice. He’s hardcore like that.

And Mothra, that stupid fruit, looks like this:

Goddamn pussy ass moth. LOOK AT ME, I HAVE SNOW. IT IS ARTISTIC.

However, all of this is almost kind of worth it if you’re real drunk to see the final battle. Man, I’m lying. Fast Forward to the final battle. It’s the single most ridiculous thing ever. It has so much lame CG  and oh god I don’t even want to ruin it but it’s so awesome.

Of course that gets ruined by the fact that there’s still like 8 minutes of OH GOD CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE messages in the end. But yeah. The final battle is absoludicrous.

One more left.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel

Rebirth of Mothra III

We are finally at the end of this harrowingly awful ordeal. Don’t even think about watching all three movies in any sort of subsequent order because, goddamn, your head will explode, and, as your brains leak out of what was once your skull, they will give you the finger and also kick you in the junk. And it won’t be a little nut tap. No sir, not at all. You’d think your brains would be weak little nerds. This is not the case. They will rock your junk something fierce.

 Now, Rebirth of Mothra III. Where to begin? Where to begin?  First of all, it completely screws up what little mythos the first two films had. Evil Dragon Broad is actually Kind of Good but a Loner broad. She still rides a dragon though, so that’s a plus. Also, instead of Death Ghidorah killing the dinosaurs, it was King Ghidorah. Which I can live with. But when you are retconning in a fucking trilogy of movies, that’s pretty terrible. That’s like if the Star Wars prequels were like: “Oh hey, remember the Force? Mystical life energy kajigger? It’s actually these bacteria…” Hey! Wait a minute…

Joking aside, this movie is god awful. But it makes up for it with the most ludicrous pacing and plot I have ever seen. And when I can say that, it’s a fucking testament of truth. I pride myself in my ability to sit through the most mindless, stupid, pointless drivel and coming out relatively unscathed. I’ve watched all four Mirror, Mirror movies. Multiple times. Hell, I even own them. That boxed set taunts me something fierce. But yeah, Rebirth of Mothra trilogy – you are taking a special place in my heart for masochistic viewing with only 40 minutes of actual viewable quality spread out in three movies.

Oh yeah – the plot. In this outing, King motherfucking Ghidorah falls from space to ruin everyone’s shit. For some reason, this involves building some stupid amorphous blob dome and trapping children in it, but not killing them, even though he’s planning on doing it eventually. Seriously, this series of movies has to be renamed “Horrible Shit Happens to Children – Also, Giant Monsters Pew! Pew! Pew!”

The two Mothra broads and evil chick who actually isn’t evil anymore for no explained reason find a rip-off of the Triforce. The pieces fit into their swords that they just happened to have in this movie. Where the swords were in the first two, I don’t know. But they gots them now. Also, they have new costumes.

Sadly, there are also human characters in this picture, too. Because we need to relate to them, or whatever. But see, I hate children. So I can’t relate to them. They don’t die dead enough. Much like Dave Mustaine in that Megadeth song. It’s pretty rocking. Listen to it. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

The humans come in the form of Shota and his siblings and also family. Shota is a whiny little pussy who doesn’t want to go to school anymore because they make him cry. His parents are ineffective dumbasses that don’t just make that little cunt go to school. His siblings are kids. They go to school because they aren’t blubbering vaginas.

Ghidorah attacks the school, traps his siblings, and it’s up to Shota and the two Mothra broads to save the day. Oh, and also Mothra shows up.

Oh!

Oh!

Also time travel and dinosaurs!

Okay – the fights are motherfucking BRUTAL in this movie. However, there’s only three. Ghidorah is his usual badass self, and I love him for it. Like seriously, he is all business in this movie and the fights are actually rival some of the best Godzilla battles. It’s too bad the rest of the movie is so goddamn terrible and it makes me actually weep when the monsters aren’t on screen. You ever see  fat man weep? It’s horrifying, let me tell you what. The lack of battles really pisses me off. Mostly because, since Evil Broad is actually good, there are no battles of the tiny people. Gone is the dogfight that took forever in the first Rebirth of Mothra movie. Nope. Just useless shit. God I hate the people in charge of this movie.

Mothra is pretty much Jesus in this movie. She’s got way too many powers and it really pisses me off because goddamn Mothra should not ever win battles ever. I mean, if GODZILLA can’t take Ghidorah easily on his own, why the fuck should Mothra? Movie should’ve been ten minutes. It would end with Mothra getting fucking curb stomped to death by an irate Ghidorah.

That or Megalon should’ve shown up. Megalon is super rad. I love Megalon. I mean, look at the guy. He’s going to rock your world.

But I digress.

The fact of the matter is, this movie doesn’t even realize there are other movies before it and also forgets it’s telling a story at almost every turn. However, the fights are so good that I wanted to like it so much. I just could not. I could not at all.